High Octane Passion vs. Low Octane Passion

I was watching the Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman classic today, "Indiscreet;" I love the scene where Ingrid Bergman has just found out that Cary Grant is a single man and not married (and unable to get a divorce) like he had stated. In an downpour of tears, she says "How dare he make love to me when he's not a married man." Then she storms into her boudoir and slams the door. Dramatic? Sure. But I see it as passion. It's passion that makes me feel alive. I'll listen to Tchaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet and tear up. I get moved easily, by life, and love.
I've been struggling with completely letting myself go with the boy. I want to call him just to hear his voice. I want to see him just because I miss him. I want him to stay over just because it feels good to be in the arms of someone I really want to be with. But, I hold back.
I hold back because it might suffocate or freak him out. I hold back because he is a lot more "toned down" (using his terminology). He doesn't express his feelings in a manner that I am familiar with-- the little things that would signal to me that I am in his thoughts is kinda missing. Probably not missing altogether. He is very thoughtful and considerate. Just a different type of thoughtful and considerate. And I love that. It's just taking me some getting used to.
In another pathetic attempt to have a conversation about this, I brought it up last night. He listened. Like he always does. Not a big participant though.
I've gotten various explainations from him as to why he is this "toned down"-- first he had mentioned that it concerns him that this might be a rebound relationship for me due to my recent divorce, and so, he doesn't want to put himself out there too much. I have also gotten that this is just how he is. I have also gotten that the previous breakup has made him more cautious.

How did it get from this nice, casual, fun getting-to-know-eachother-thing to this more complicated thing (for me at least)? I know how. Because I am falling in love. And if I didn't hold myself back, I would have been in love by now. I have no shame in admitting...I am pretty damn nuts about him. Toned down or not, he is a special breed :-)

And all this holding back, is actually doing a world of good for me. It's teaching me to slow down. It's teaching me to enjoy time by myself and cultivate my life. MY life. So, while I bitch and complain about how I don't know how he feels and how I can't read him; I appreciate whoever he is. It's just a learning process while I "really get" to know this breed. The Bull.

So, while I had this inner dialogue in my head today, of what i call high octane passion vs. low octane passion, I baked Alton Brown's Tres Leches cake, which turned out heavenly. Let the milk soak in overnight in the fridge. http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/tres-leche-cake-recipe/index.html

Then the Food...

I wouldn't really call myself domesticated. The last time I lived alone was in 2006. I guess I've grown up a lot in the past three years. Now that I'm living on my own again, I am MUCH more comfortable being alone. I believe I've finally made that cross-over in life where the 20s are almost out (which means, the hell years must be almost over lol).

Anyway, so where does the food come in? I asked my mother's friend to teach me how to bake a killer chocolate cake in October 2008 when I was in Oman for a break. Little did I know that when I'd get back I'd ask for a divorce. So, I never got to bake that cake for my former husband. So what's the next best thing? Well, bake it for Miggity! So it had been only 2 months I had known him. Big deal. So, I baked a killer test cake. Then, on the day of his birthday surprise, I baked a killer chocolate over chocolate cake. Honestly, probably the best chocolate cake I've ever had. Here's the Ina Garten recipe I used: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/beattys-chocolate-cake-recipe/index.html



Miggity and I have formed this synergy over food. I know all this makes it sound like this huge overly romantic relationship, but it's not. It's quite simple. And it has boundaries in terms of space. Nevertheless, he (and my best friend Leah) have put the blood back into my life. And if the boy and I happen to fall out, there will ALWAYS be cake!