These are just some of the demure thoughts blaring through my head as Miggity's neighbour asks me, "Do you want some whipped cream?" to which Miggity then turns around and asks me in the most nonchalant manner, "Do you want some whipped cream?" The whipped cream was being sprayed on an ex strippers butt, who was sprawled in the middle of a room naked, with some other also naked woman, in her 40s, licking it off. A room which already has other people, some dressed, some not, but all very casually conversing and casually viewing the woman-on-woman action interspersed with some penis grabbing as well.
Let me back up. No pun intended.
Miggity tells me about this party his neighbour throws once a year where everyone gets nude and there is streaking in the neighbourhood. I was very curious. So I went along to the party. This is what I expected: A late 20s, early 30s crowd of free loving people that go for a run, naked. Like playing naked soccer in college.
This is what I really got: A gathering of married bikers in their 40s, some 50s, all swingers, engaging in foreplay (licking, grabbing, slapping, kissing), while others sat around casually talking and looking at the action happening right there. There was also a naked (completely naked) bike ride, which I think was the least bothersome part honestly. It was the orgy like atmosphere and activity that was unsettling. But you want to know what was MOST unsettling?
The fact that Miggity sat there completely unaffected. Completely non-reactive. Like as if he was one of the them. Like as if he had this sexual, double life I had no idea about.
As I sat there uttering the words 'Wow" every 5 minutes, I also felt the stabbing pain of my heart breaking.
Maybe when Miggity and I got intimate, only "I" felt like it was love. Maybe only '"I" felt anything at all.
My heart was breaking because I felt betrayed. I thought we felt the same way. I thought we had similar ideals and values.
I had dealt with enough sexual abnormalities and dysfunction with my ex-husband. I have had enough pain for years. How could I have been this stupid to trust someone again?
We went back to Miggity's house and I asked him loud and clear if he engaged in any of that, if he believed in any of that.
He said no. He said his non-reaction was actually his stress reaction. We talked quite a bit.
But I had reached my dark place. I got really quiet. I had regressed. Regressed back to the painful times in the marriage. I suppose being in that environment and "feeling" like Miggity betrayed me was a trigger for me to all the times my ex-husband betrayed me.
This evening it became clear to me. I realize I was replaying an old tape. Miggity didn't betray me. I trust him. I trust that he is who he shows and says he is. He is still a great guy. And I am still falling in love with him. I guess it's a nice reminder that while I may be open-minded, some things feel wrong and some things feel right. And that's how I ought to draw my boundaries in times when I am uncertain. Because sometimes what one "thinks" doesn't have much to do with it. It's about what it makes one "feel" like. Miggity makes me feel good. Swinger parties make me feel bad. Enough said.
I still managed to bake some delicious cashew chocolate blondies. I have aptly renamed these-- 'Dirty Blondies.'
Recipe: http://www.ishotthechef.com/2009/04/15/blondies-have-more-fun/
I made the following changes: added dark brown sugar instead of light; omitted the white chocolate; added 2 tablespoons of cocoa powder; added some semi-sweet chocolate chips; added 1/2 tablespoon of oil.
Now THIS, I will have with some whipped cream :-)
Dirty, dirty blondies!!!! I loved this part of the entry the most, "Miggity makes me feel good. Swinger parties make me feel bad." Hahaha. So very, very true.
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